I was asked by a friend I used to work with in the Tech industry to write a Non Fiction novel about my story in college and beyond. At first I was thinking that no one would possibly want to read that story and how could my story help others. I had already written grydscaen: utopia which has some parallels to my experiences in college set in a fictional backdrop so why would I need to write another story.
My friend convinced me knowing a lot about my struggles with anorexia, abusive boyfriends, my time in New York City as a model and my LGBTIQ background so he was aware of my story. Finally I acquiesced and decided to write the story which is called “trans-sub-consternation.” The story is 90 percent done. There is another stage that needs to be completed in order for me to be able to finish the story so there is some more writing to do.
The story is about Shoji’s experience in college, going to class, painting, getting his first boyfriend, helping his homeless friend, gay bars, dressing in drag and trying to find himself along the way. The story is written from Shoji’s perspective and starts out in the third person and then transitions more into a diary once we get to the current time.
Because abusive relationships were part of my experience having been verbally and emotionally abused by several boyfriends, as well as being physically attacked a few times I wanted to show that gay relationships are not free of abuse. The abuse may be different and it may be subtle trying to control the person or alter their freedom in ways that are pernisicous and have them questioning everything, but they can also be physically abusive as well. The story follows Shoji through 4 relationships over a period of years and how those relationships had an effect on Shoji.
The story also discusses gay bars, drag shows, homelessness, street life, drug addiction, survival sex and transition. Because I had experiences as a child with abuse by my piano teacher which I won’t go into right now. If you look hard enough there are a few stories about “my piano damage” out there for all to see. The abuse by my piano teacher shaped certain things about my experience with sexuality and gender at a young age and as an intersexed child these things just led to more confusion. Trusting my piano teacher inherently because he was my teacher and my parents wanted me to study music was something that caused me to not understand why he would be doing what he did. I looked up to my piano teacher and it was hard to see that what he was doing was wrong. When you are that young things often don’t make sense. That time influenced how I would look at relationships, gender and sex.
My friend who encouraged me to write the story has always been in relationships. For me those 4 relationships discussed in trans-sub-consternation are all that I have had since college. I have not been in a relationship in a long time. And although I might want to have someone to spend my life with, the “piano damage” and the coming back from the abuse I experienced in those 4 relationships have made it hard for me to make new friends and find new relationships. You could say my “people picker” is a little off. Sure I could join an LGBT group or a dating site or other social organizations. Finding my identity may have fueled some of the confusion in my relationships because the gay men I was with needed to have their own sense of self and be solid in that to be with me. Not saying it is hard or easy, some may have different experiences from mine but I wanted to show that side of Shoji’s past to get a clearer picture.
“trans-sub-consternation” is told in a unique way with a premise not so much different than “I am Jazz” or “Becoming Chaz” or even the Caitlyn Jenner story. Transition is part of these people’s lives and being able to accept themselves and be accepted in a society that does not always look well on being trans, I have to applaud those who put their stories out there. I didn’t set out so much to write a transition story than to write a coming of age narrative about someone who gets swayed by those in his life and how that affects his understanding of self.
This is just one story in the LGBT community. There are countless others. I want “trans-sub-consternation” to help people come to better understand themselves by telling my story. And when the story actually comes out I want to provide the proceeds from the book to go to support services for Transgender people and to help stop the violence against transwomen of colour. This story like “A Storm’s Coming” which proceeds go to support LGBT homeless youth are part of my writing resources to give back to the community.
