It has been over 15 years since I have visited my parents. For many reasons I stayed away. The reasons are long and difficult. I ran away when I was younger and never looked back. I did not want to deal with them anymore and their controlling nature and constant judging of me and my lifestyle. When I introduced them to the love of my life/my first love back in college sophomore year, they passed judgement and dismissed the person I loved. Freshman year I wrote them off even though they were paying for college. They continued to pay but I was done with them. It was not until a few years later that I had to return to deal with them due to circumstances that were related to being burned out at school and work and needing to take a break.

I found out today that my father is dying. After all these years of staying away, I am once more going to be returning to my parents to see my father off. I don’t know what I feel. I respect my father and always have. He had read all the books and manga that I have published and we talked for countless hours about marketing and distribution for the books. He was always my champion and believed in the grydscaen story that I would become famous one day. I never did believe him but I listened and respected his viewpoint.

I will be returning to my parents tomorrow. I hate air travel and the flight will be long. I also hate airports and the cost of the tickets was exhorbitant but there is a need for me to go. I know that I am going to get into it with my mother when I am on the ground. She does not like that I am gay or that I write about LGBT characters in my books. I try not to get into this with her but I will be in her face and she will see it while she is around me. I will turn the gay down to be around her in respect for her. My father did know my genuine self and even though he could not understand my gender role or my sexuality, he did accept me and we talked about it numerous times along with the caveat that I would not tell my mother.

I am currently drawing the second volume of the graphic noiz manga and I will dedicate it to my father in the case he makes it out of the hospital or if he dies. I wanted him to read the entire grydscaen series but that may not be possible now since I have a few more books to publish still and I try to publish one a year. I did publish 3 grydscaen books last year so he could read the story on the battleship Escalon with the mobile frames and the mechanics, officers and technicians. I think I did that on purpose so he could read them.

I am in a strange mode right now. I drew an image today for the graphic noiz manga which pictured the entire Ijima family and Shiro circled around once Shiro was confronted by his mentor who had abused him as a teenager. I think that image was my way of coping with this news that I got this morning that my dad was dying at 4:34AM. Right now I feel nothing. I will dedicate the graphic noiz manga to my dad and every other grydscaen book I will make a dedication to my dad if he is not able to finish the series.

This is a hard day for me. I love my father. I love that he respected my writing and believed in my career as a systems analyst and cyber security expert. I could talk to him about technology and his business and writing and it felt good and natural. He believed in me that I could do anything I set my mind to. I wanted to write this post today because I will be on a plane to the other side of the world tomorrow. Thank you for listening. I will be praying for my dad and I hope I can speak with him one last time before he visits the light. I hope he will be reincarnated as a divine being or one without pain. So I will be offline for the next 7 days as I go home. This will be difficult but I can do this. I have not seen my family in years and have been sort of estranged. This is my going home. graphic noiz is my coming back. I hope I do not cause too much of a stir. So, I leave you now with a gentle wish. Pray for my dad. I hope the divine will be with him in his time of need.