I wanted to talk about ending domestic violence today using characters from the YA dystopian scifi novel grydscaen: utopia because the main character Lino has to deal with that in this book.
First, as a writer I need to relate my experience to domestic violence. It can be physical, emotional and sexual including rape. I have not had a lot of relationships, I can count them on one hand but in those few I have experienced violence. Having a gay male relationship slightly changes the nature of the violence and how it is experienced but it still makes it wrong. Dominance and controlling the other person is usually how it starts then it advances to psychological, emotional and trapping. Once the person is trapped and isolated the abuser has free reign to do as they like weilding control. Violence is just an escalation of the initial control.
LGBT domestic abuse, like straight domestic abuse can be devastating to the abused in the relationship. Both men and women can be abused, including intersexed and trans. The abusers are just out to control and will do anything in their power to rule over their mate.
Sometimes it is hard for the abused person to get help and speak up because they are so isolated. I know when I was abused which was mostly emotional and psychological but there was a physical component that the person I was with engaged in crazy making which is a method to make the other person feel as if they are going insane. Crazy logic and things that don’t make sense are used to throw the person off. This is unsettling. What I was able to do after reading up on the topic was to diffuse my abuser by saying, ” I am sorry you feel that way.” That statement though simple and backed up with me standing my ground gave me a power I had not had previously. My lover didn’t know how to react to that and it threw him off.
In grydscaen: utopia we see Lino in a relationship with Berlin, his musician boyfriend. Lino falls head over heels for Berlin who even at the outset has approach- avoidant behavior and throws Lino off. Their relationship takes on an abusive dynamic with Berlin acting cold, reeling Lino in and then abandoning him both physically and emotionally. It drives Lino to drink and sets up a dangerous spiral of abuse, drugs and pills all the while Lino is trying to go to school, graduate and get recruited to the Psi Faction, a clandestine group of elite psychics working for the government and the military.
Lino’s drinking spirals out of control and at age 17 he is taken to the hospital depressed when Berlin dumps him after the abuse gets really bad. The story grydscaen: utopia picks up when Lino is 19 having survived that hurt but he gets entangled with Berlin again because he still cares for him.
Domestic violence is one of those things we sometimes do not hear about. Books like grydscaen bring it to the surface and show how subtle the abuse can be as it slowly takes its toll. Lino is harmed by his relationship with Berlin and it shows in his self esteem, his drinking and his decision making. I know when I was in deep in one of my abusive relationships, the person I will call “the evil” kept me isolated so I could not reach out to others to check the crazy world I was living in and gain balance and a sounding board for the crazymaking. I had to find my own voice before I could stand up and fight back. Some people are not in that position or the abuse is so dangerous that confrontation can become severly damaging.
More dialogue is needed around abuse and domestic violence, including serivces for those in need. Women are particularly vulnerable ad this includes transwomen as well. We must stand against domestic violence and be a voice to cry out loud and support those abused. Shelters are available and counseling lines. Those being abused, reach out even if you have to call out and hide just to talk to someone and let them know you need help.
There is a national domestic violence hotline that is available in the United States. It can be found by searching. Reach out, you have a voice. You have power and no one has the right to take that away from you. Everyone should live in dignity and safety. Domestic abuse is not right. Speak up for those who can’t. Help end domestic violence. The grydscaen series is doing its part by getting the message out there about psychological and emotional abuse in the gay youth community. I gave Lino a voice for those who don’t have one. End the abuse.