One of the things that I wanted to capture in the grydscaen series is the idea of becoming oneself through change. This can be physical change, mental change, emotional change or learning. There are many ways to grow more into your genuine self. I have been on a journey for the last 2 years after many years of self discovery to become my genuine self. 2015 started the journey that began when I was 5 and became fully realized at 11. In college the journey led me to the depths of frustration and resulted in depression and an eating disorder. I was able to get free of that time but one of the things that got me through was writing. I found that writing in a journal during that last year of college to be freeing and allowed me to explore facets of myself that I could not express to others. It allowed me to be me and the stories that came out of that time became the backdrop and the characters that would be in grydscaen: utopia like Lino Dejarre, Anis Renquist and Berlin Macelroi.
On Thursday of this week 2016, again we will embark upon the journey to myself. Now that I have the resources and know who I am, I can change things in a physical way. Yes, there was a lot of waiting for the actions of the last two years to take place but I think that if I had done it sooner that I would not have embraced it as much and may have rejected what I was feeling. It took a certain level of writing and understanding who I was to be able to begin to express myself in a genuine way. Writing the grydscaen series definitely helped.
The series allows me to address stories of LGBT youth from gay, bisexual and trans and show them growing as people and going through the ups and downs when they are faced with hardship that they must struggle through. From Sati and his schizoaffective disorder, to Blue being non-binary and asexual, to Lino being gay, Faid being a host and Rom being an LGBT homeless youth, grydscaen allows me to explore everything from hackers rights, to government overreach and marriage equality all within the confines of the grydscaen world.
With my own journey reaching another milestone Thursday, it is all on the path to being my true self and really being able to shine in my own skin.
This has been a long path that caused fits and starts, depression and anxiety and feeling a sense of being other and never to be understood. That understanding which I longed for did not come in relationships, rather it came through writing my characters and hoping that the grydscaen message could one day help someone else struggling with their identity.
The character Iin in grydscaen is a trans girl who had just recently come into dressing full time and being her genuine self. I specifically wrote the story “Know Thyself” to be able to tell her world view and allow her to be given a voice where often trans women are not heard or are the subject of violence which occurs in the story. The story “Anj and the Runners” talks about Naito’s permiscuous side as a bisexual host and how that drives his personality. Naito may not be your typical bisexual male but his personality is extraverted and he is cocky and will chase anything that walks be it male or female. That is not so much a question of Naito being bisexual as it is of his personality as outgoing and open. Unlike Naito who revels in his escapades with others, Faid sells himself for money for favors and has a lead john who supports him. Faid is gay and also a model as well as being the leader of the Packrat hackers. Due to being a Packrat he doesn’t need to be a host to support himself but I think somewhere deep inside his tragic past with the relationship with his abusive father who was a drunk and beat him up it had an impact on why Faid sleeps with older men with prestige for money.
All these stories in grydscaen show LGBT characters growing from Iin finding herself and her relationship to the world as a transwoman to Blue carving out a niche for himself as asexual, we see all these characters grow into their personalities. The exact same thing that I am doing.
As an LGBT author writing a mainstream story I wanted to bring LGBT characters to an audience that wanted to read scifi not romance. Sure Lino was in an abusive relationship with Berlin in grydscaen: utopia but the story was not about their relationship so much as it was about Lino’s coming of age and giving up that relationship to become a clandestine psychic operative and grow into his position as the son of the Viceroy. I wanted to show LGBT characters in positions of power and not be held back by them being gay. Some people may not want to read my story because it is not about sex or has LGBT characters, but there is more to grydscaen’s characters than chasing tail and kissing the cute guy. I have nothing bad to say about romance but that is not what grydscaen is about. I didn’t write it that way.
My journey continues with another epic milestone this Thursday on my path to being my genuine self. Being able to be a part of the LGBT community, experience what that entails, write about Iin transitioning, Blue learning to be himself and even Naito to accept who he is being somewhere in the middle. These are all stories that have resonance. Stories that were not there when I was a Young Adult. I wanted to give back and this is what grydscaen allows me to do.
When all is said and done Thursday afternoon, there will only be one more step and then some paperwork that needs to be changed for me to be who I am. When I was 16 I didn’t know this was why I was depressed. But now I have put a name to my pain and am able to change it one step at a time. Luckily I have the resources and ability to change things. I always knew who I was but now I can actually make that happen. Some LGBT teens have the support of their friends and family when they come out. I do not have that. I am glad for those who do. My parents are still somewhere in the dark ages where being LBGT means you are “going to hell.” It is just not something they understand. Well, I am an adult and that means I can make decisions for my happiness. For those teens who do have support that is awesome. You are loved for being who you are. For those that do not have that support and are bullied or get kicked out of their house, I hear you. Continue to reach out, it gets better. Dysphoria is part of the package but know that it is okay to be who you are. No one should hurt you or bully you for being yourself. There are counseling centers and crisis lines that can help. There are many trans and LGBT resources out there to help.
Being yourself is something that you should not be ashamed of be you gay, trans, bisexual, non-binary, agender, lesbian. We are all beautiful in our own way. grydscaen is written to show LGBT characters, their struggles and their triumphs over adversity in a scifi cyberpunk backdrop. I wanted to write what I couldn’t find when I was in college to help young adults see that it is okay to be themselves. I walk this path right along with you and I understand. Some people write about transgender and gay people by doing research. That is fine but you can not understand a gay or transgender teen to the same depth if you have never been there. I have been there I am still there and will continue to be there. I am moving along my journey just as countless others going through theirs. It does get better. You are beautiful and you can shine. For a long time I didn’t believe that. But now through writing grydscaen and going on my own journey I know that it is true. I may not have a horde of friends to support me, but those I do mean the world to me. And even though I don’t have support of my parents and have to be stealth around them and having run away myself due to the taunting and moved to NYC with 100 dollars in my pocket and no where to live. I made it in New York and if you can make it there you can make it anywhere. I write grydscaen to show that it is possible. I can now be my genuine self and thrive. grydscaen has allowed me to do that. So I give grydscaen back to the world to show I am beautiful, you are beautiful, LGBT is beautiful, gay, trans, non-binary, agender, asexual, lesbian, bisexual are beautiful. We are people of power who deserve to be treated with equality and not discrimination. We deserve to be who we are. Voila qui nous sommes!
Two counseling centers are using the grydscaen manga “A Storm’s Coming” about Rom the LGBT homeless youth as a resource to help troubled teens with self esteem and self worth. I am honoured to have grydscaen used in this way. All proceeds from the sale or donation of “A Storm’s Coming” manga are donated to LGBT youth homelessness and LGBT youth support programs. If you are interested in supporting grydscaen in these efforts, or if you want a free copy of the limited edition “A Storm’s Coming” manga, please leave a review on Amazon on “A Storm’s Coming” short story or “Rogue” short story or message “Natsuya Uesugi” on Facebook for a copy. “A Storm’s Coming” and “Rogue” short stories are free on Kindle Unlimited.
